Good Grief

Student: (Waving his wildly to gain my attention) Uh excuse me, can you help me over here?

Me: Sure (I walk over to the computer station he is working at)

S: Yeah, uh, this part here (pointing to the computer screen), does that mean I didn't accept it?

M: You mean the thing that says "Accepted?"

S: Yeah.

M: No, that would mean that you accepted it.

S: Oh ok, just checking.

M: ...

Back at it again

It has been a while since I have had one of these goofy stories, so I hope you enjoy this one.

I had just come back stepping out of the office when the girl I work with was helping a student try to figure out why her application had been rejected. See if you can figure out why the students name didn't match her social before she can:

Girl I Work With: Ok so she has two social security cards, each with different names, which one should she use?

Me: Ma'am, what is the correct name?

Student: Well, I was married to Green, but I divorced him. Then I married Johnson, but I divorced him too.

Me: Ok, what is your legal name?

Student: Well its Johnson, but I'm changing it to my maiden name, Dingleberry.

Me: That's fine, but what is your legal name, on file with the Social Security Administration?

Student: Oh its Johnson.

Me: Ok well then you need to use that name, with your social and fill out a new application.

Student: Oh ok.

(She sits at the computer and starts filling out the application)

Student: Oh I think I figured what had happened, I used my boy friends Social to log into the FAFSA!

Me: ...


Just for you keeping track at home, that three last names, three different men, two social security numbers and one major headache.

Names Names Names

Gemma
Kirkendra
Rikeetra
Ranyield
Berthaelene
Stafone
Tasie
Markell
Marygrace
Floyshae

An Idiots Guide to: Understanding Financial Aid Students

In the three years that I have been working in financial aide, I have grown accustomed to sifting through vague generalizations, slight hints and at times, full on bullshit. Full disclosure, I do work in the shadier part of town, and it does tend to skew the results.  Allow me to demonstrate:


"How do I get a Pell Grant?"

Translation: I don't really have an interest in education, but I do like free money. So gimme gimme.

"I tried to log in last night and fill out the forms  but I got stuck. Do you think you can help me?"

Translation: I was lazy and didn't feel like doing it. Can you do it for me?

"I haven't been able to work the last few years"

Translation: I have been in prison for the last few years and the IRS does not consider cigarettes as taxable income.

"I haven't filed taxes the last few years."

Translation: I am a drug dealer and have elected not to report my income.

"When does my leftover money get to me? I've got like, books and things I need to buy."

Translation: It's seriously not here yet? I've been waiting for weeks to get a new phone.

"I am having an issue with my instructor."

Translation: I am failing and in no possible way is it my fault. 

"My instructor is being unreasonable."

Translation: My paper was due Monday but I turned it in on Wednesday. The "no late paper's" policy she outlined weeks ago in the syllabus is completely unreasonable.

What's in a Derp?

Just another bunch of silly names

Ja-Warren

Sheba 

Zuri

Binky

Felmo

Khiry

Cherish

Jewelee

Monees

Amburh

The colors Duke, the colors!

Student: I was wondering if you could help me with this over here?

Me: Sure

(On the screen, is a listing of all financial aid that he has been awarded. Alternating lines are shaded blue to make it easier for students to track the individual awards across the screen.)

S: Okay so whats the difference between whats in blue and whats not?

M: There is no difference between the two, we just shade it that way so it's easier to follow.

S: Oh Okay. Now this unsubsidized loan, that's the one I don't have to pay back right?

M: No. Anything that is a loan, you will have to pay back.

S: Okay so loans I pay back, grants I don't.

M: Correct.

S: Okay so do I have to pay back this Student Grant?

M: No, its a grant you don't have to pay that back.

S: Oh oh oh ok ok. So it says here I need to act on all the awards, do they just mean the blue ones?

M: No. Ignore the blue shading, it has no affect on your financial aide.

S: Oh ok. So just accept them?

M: Yes.

Whats in a Name

Nastalgia

Zakiya

Nieshah

St Jepan

Ckody

Bijuanqa

Ultiminio

Miltonia

Timiyon

Suereesa

I nearly choked on the irony....

A student came into my office today and wanted to know when his financial aide was going to get to him...

Student: I need to know when my financial aide is going get to my account.

Me: Well you don't start class until the 30th, so funds will not release until that week, but they should be on your card by that Friday.

S: Man....Is there anyway to get it there sooner, I really need the money.

M: I'm sorry, but we can't release funds until class starts.

S: I don't know what I'm gonna do, I've gotta pay my bills.


I don't want you to think that I am not sympathetic to the guy, but I do hear this ten times a week and I have become somewhat desensitized to it. The reason I post this conversation is because he was wearing this:

The site I pulled this from offers free Mix Tapes for orders over $30

How dare you...

Student: I have had nothing but problems with student loans. I have a son starting school soon and there's no way I want him to get Subsidized loans.

Me: Yeah the Department of Education has really started to tighten up the rules on Title IV loans.

S: I know, its just ridiculous. I mean, you can't get them discharged through bankruptcy or anything!

M: Yeah they are really trying to reduce the amount of loans that get defaulted.

S: Its not just that, they will take it out of your Social Security.

M: If it comes to it they will. They really want students to pay back the loans they are given.

S: I know, its just so unbelievable!

M: ...


Of all the nerve. The DOE really needs to get a hold of itself. I mean come on, they're LOANS, why should student have to pay them back? I mean its not like they signed anything requiring them to repay them.

I don't wanna work....

I just wanna bang on the drum all day!

Its Friday kids, so that means names and today's list has a little twist to it. 10 names as usual but your job will be to determine which names were guys and which one were girls. I'll post a link to the answers below.

Bryton
Chaim
Chancellor
Eischelle
Jodeci
Tremon
Waltermae
Weedor
Whisha
Markiet


Answer Key

Marzo, Mayo, Abril, Junio,

Whenever a student like this comes into my office, I always think of one particular Calvin and Hobbes comic: 

I know that everyone has bad days, and sometimes we do boneheaded things. But then there are some people where you have to question how they manage to get around.

Student: (Browsing over the poster explaining when applications are due) So I've still got a couple weeks before Fall priority?

Me: The application was actually due in April.

Student: Yeah, April 1st. So I've still got a few weeks.

Me: No, it was due over a month ago.

Student: But this says April 1st.

Me: Yes, and its May 16th. 

Student: uhhhh

Me: It goes April, then May.

Student: Of course it does.

Me: ....

Whats in a Name...

Ok, so normally I have a whole list of names to present but this week I just have one.

Heroin.


Yes I am being serious. No its not a joke. And the feminine word for hero is spelled Heroine.

This poor kid has been named after one drug so nasty that the funniest thing you can find with a google image search is Amy Winehouse.

Maybe I should give the kid's parents the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they wanted their son connected to some of the entertainment worlds most famous names. The likes of Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Bradley Nowell, River Phoenix, Sid Vicious, and Mitch Hedberg. Maybe she didn't understand what  "found in a pool of his own vomit" really meant. Maybe she missed the part of the story about Kurt Cobain thought a better option to a heroin overdose was a mouthful of shotgun.

Not sure how I am going to top this one.

Malapropisms & Misapplications

Not every person who walks into my office leaves me with a great story. Most interactions go smoothly, with no incident. Somewhere in the middle though, are my favorite people. They are the unpaid experts, who want me to know, that they know, exactly what they are talking about. They like to lower my guard by talking endlessly, and just when I am too the point of tears, they sneak it in. Here are just a few examples in what should be an ongoing series. From the students auditory cavity, to my phalangical tips, to your optical balls...

"The class was not the correct angle for my degree."

"I need to take an intravenous class this summer."

"I am still talking with my teacher to see if I can savage the class."

"I am taking summer courses, and I wanted to know if my FAFSA application will survive that?"

"I just wanted to know if luck would be shot if I fail my final?"

What's in a Name Vol 4.

Lashavia

Lovella

Laanndrewlyn

Montray

Dawnyale

Organia

Nallely

Twayler

Sharunda

Amberle 

1! (Ah ha ha) 2!(Ah ha ha) 3! (Ah ha ha)....

At my school, we have an course that all new students must take that is essentially College Life 101. It introduces them to the registration process, what the campuses offer, where they can go for different services etc. I believe it needs to be expanded to cover the basics to make sure that everyone is up to speed. And I do mean the absolute basics because clearly some students are not where they need to be...

Student: It is asking what grade level I am.

Me: Have you attended this college before?

S: Just here for about a year.

M: Okay well then you would need to select 2nd year sophmore

S: This one?

WHAT is the capital of Assyria?

(Before I get to today's post, I would like to start by reiterating that my office deals solely with those seeking higher education. We provide financial aid for people taking COLLEGE courses towards their COLLEGE degree.)

On the FAFSA application, their is a new section that asks students to confirm their high schools location by answering me these questions three filling in three boxes that ask the name, city and state where their high school was located. There are toddlers out there who haven't grasped the concept of "poopy in the potty" that could name the city and state they were in. And yet, the following occurred today...

Student: Is New London, Connecticut like in Connecticut?

Me: I'm sorry ma'am I can't hear you, you'll have to speak up.

S: Is New London, Connecticut like in Connecticut or would it be somewhere else like New Hampshire?

M: Well, I've never heard of New London, so I am not sure what state it is in. Connecticut is a state though, so that might be what you are looking for.

S: Ok well I put Texas, is that okay?

M: ...

Normally this is where someone would tell you to brace yourself for this the future of our country. But sleep soundly America, chances are that they'll never figure out where you are anyway.

Pudding Pops

A few days ago, an older women came into my office and I had the following conversation with her:

Student: Oh, hi* yes. I have the email and I got one for school and one another*.

Me: (Eye's widen)

Student: I tried to get one but couldn't get into it for my teacher*.

Me:(open new window to pull up my blog) Do you have a financial aid question?

Student: Well no see, because I lost the email for school*, I don't know how to get in contact with my teachers. So I can't find out.

Me: Ok, do you have a question pertaining to Financial Aid?

Student: Well no but, I need to know about my* grades and I don't have the email (.

Me: Well I can only answer financial aid questions. If you have an issue with access to your email, you will need to contact tech support.

Student: So you can't do* email here?

Me: Well, we do have computers and they can access email but I am still not sure what you are trying to accomplish. But if you are having trouble with your email, call tech support

Student: Okay then*. Good day

Me: ...

Now to the untrained eye this may seem just like a slightly confusing conversation with a sweet old lady whose grasp on technology was only bested by her grasp of English.  You might be saying to yourself, what is with all of those *'s? Imagine to yourself that each of those stars were 15-30 second ramblings that fall somewhere between the Cosby Meme and Suel Forrester, Southern Lawyer. It was one of those times were you expect Ashton Kutcher to burst through the wall telling me I got punk'd. Both confirming that a lady so insane couldn't possibly exist and my status as an A list celebrity worthy of appearing on his crappy show. Yet, here I sit at my computer just a lowly Financial Aid Officer with nothing but my crazy lad friend. She's a gem though and because nothing was resolved, I can only sit and wait on our next convershiddity abot the fincishery adibay

What's in a name? Vol 3

Another week, another set of names and another appearance from the double apostrophe. Enjoy.

Shae'quaya

Johnjacob

Princess

L"ronica

Nozomi

Deongella

Tonge

Mistashia

Unima

Lametrice

Literally?

A student was in my office today, filling out the FAFSA application when she came to this question:

"Do you have driver's license information that you want to provide? Yes or No"

Pretty straight forward, right? Not really a question that should cause confusion. Thats what you think:

Student: Do they literally want us to put in our driver license information?

Me: What does the question say?

S: "Do you have driver's license information that you want to provide?" But I don't have drivers license.

M: Okay well then you would not have license information to provide. You can answer "No."

S: OOOHHHH okay.

M: ...

The time is now...

I am not exactly what you would call a "man of action." I've only attended two rally's in my life, I've never protested anything (unless you count the time I found a discarded placard near the state capital after a heavy night of drinking) nor have I ever written a strongly worded letter. Now though, I have found an issue that is affecting about 75% of the students who walk through my office doors. No its not poverty, lack of health care or even the obvious crimes of fashion. Its something far more tragic. I am talking about the definition and application of the word "estimated."

Student - Now for this estimated graduation date, should I put like, 2011 in there?

Me - Do you plan on graduating in 2011?

S - Well, no.

M - Okay, well then you would put the year you plan on graduating.

S - Oh ok.

M - ...

As you some of you might have read, this is not the first dialog I have posted regarding the complexities of the word. These only represent a small fraction of students who struggle with the word. In the few short months that I have worked here, it has become clear there is a gaping hole in the education system. I fear that my little office is but a microcosm. I'm willing to assume that drivers here are so terrible because they are unable to estimate two car length's or what is a safe stopping distance. That perhaps the obesity levels are skewed by doctors asking patients to estimate their height and weight. How many carnival prizes have gone unclaimed because no one was sure what to do with the jar of beans?

Well no more folk's. I am taking a stand. As much as I can from my office chair.

Stay tuned...

What's in a name? Vol 2

Here is Volume 2 of my names list. Again these are all people who have come into my office. All spellings are as they appeared on their ID.

Shacasual

Miketra

Shawnquize*

Tiger

Dae'ron

Carventtia

Exalenna

Tenekee

Taiyhanee

*Would have been omitted from the list had the correct spelling, shaunquize, been used.

Think about it son

Hasn't been anything of note this week but someone snuck in right under the clock.

Student: (While filling out an application) Estimated graduation date? Well I plan on transferring to a University after two years, but you can earn a two degree in that time correct?

Me: Correct.

Student: (Seeing the next line asking him when he plans on transferring) Estimated transfer date? Well I don't know when I plan on transferring.

Me: Didn't you just say you planned on transferring after two years?

Student: Yeah.

(Silence)

Student: Oh okay.

Me: ...

Oh boy

A student walked into my office today, and I had a hunch he was going to provide some golden material. Clutching a roller bag and Amp Energy drink, he wasn't unlike most other students but he just had that look in his eye. :

Student: Yes, I had some questions regarding what I can spend my financial aid on.

Me: Okay.

Student: (Silence for about 20 seconds)

Me: Go ahead.

Student: Yes...Am I allowed to buy people lunch?

Me: Well, funds are generally used for school related costs, but I doubt the Dept. Of Education would have an issue with you buying lunch.

Student: Ok, because sometimes I go to lunch with my brother, and he doesn't have money so I buy him lunch.

Me: Like I said, they won't make a stink about you buying him lunch.

Student: Ok, well sometimes I buy books.

Me: Text books are okay.

Student: Well these books are just for fun.

Me: Thats okay too, as long as you are being responsible with it they won't come after you.

Student: So I can't buy pot with it?

Me: ...

Ok now imagine that entire conversation, with the guy sounding like Red Shirt Guy from that WOW video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwyMB19q7ms).

On one of our financial aid forms, there is a line for the student to fill in their "Estimate Graduation Date." Few students know specifically when the plan on graduating so we just ask them to write a year. My standard advice for students is to "write a year that is two or three years down the road, because it usually takes that long to finish a degree."

Today I told a student to write a year that he plans to complete is degree. He literally wrote the word "year."

Sigh...

What's in a Name

A few years back, an email came across my desk about a friend of a friend in my office that had a student named Le-a. Not pronounced Lay-uh or Lee-Uh but Ledasha (turns out it was a goof email that was making the rounds on the internet). Fast forward three years, and although no names has reached Ledashian levels, they still continue to amaze.

In what will be a recurring topic, these will be real names that come into my office. I will only be able to post first names because of privacy laws and I will also omit people whose names appear to be derived from foreign languages (Xiu may look weird to me but it might be the Chinese equivalent to Bill) Other than that, these are the exact spelling and punctuation used in students names.

So here we go...

Porschea

Shauntecka

Concepcion

Raevn

Demontrion

Johnteria

Dwaun

Kei"ara

She"kela

The irony of the last two names is that both came into my office maybe an hour apart and up until that point I had never seen a single word with double apostrophes, let alone someones name. Makes me wonder what they are hiding to require the extra punctuation.

Me: "...Okay, I need a photo ID from you to pull up your file."

Student: "I don't have a photo ID with me just my drivers license. Would that work?"

Me: ...

What frustrates me most is that this conversation happens 5-10 times a week. I have tried to think of a way to make "I need a photo ID" easier to understand but the results were nothing but a series of caveman like grunts and gestures.

According to my in-depth research (someone notify the people and Merriam-Webster that the definition of "in-depth" needs to be edited to include, "glancing over a wikipedia page a second time"), I learned that Alexander Bell was given the first patent for the telephone in 1876, which makes the handy device 135 years old. I find it difficult to believe that there are people in modern world who do not understand what the purpose and functionality of a phone are. Today, a man came into my office and provided the follow discussion:

Student: I can't log in because I can't remember my password.

Me: Okay, you will need to call tech support and have them reset your password.

Student: Okay call them and they will reset it?

Me: Correct.

Student: You mean I gotta use the phone?

Me: ...

And...here...we...go...

Just past 8 o clock and we already have a our first contestant. I am sitting at my desk, the lights are on and doors unlocked. First student walks in and her first words are, "Are you guys open?"

Why Must I Repeat Myself?

Me: The reason you were not eligible for loans is because you have reached your Level 1 Loan Limits.

Student: How many hours does it take to be a level 2?

Me: 30 credit hours.

Student: Well I have 29 credits.

Me: Ok but you have to have 30 credits for Level 2 funding.

Student: Well is there anyway I can get it at 29?

Me: No. You must have 30.

Student: So there's nothing I can do at 29?

Me: ...

Financial Aid

By most standards, I have a rather mundane job. My business card tells me that I am a Senior Financial Aid Assistant. I am not sure that my position necessitates them but I won't complain; they are free, and give the appearance that I know what I am doing. I have been working in financial aid for going on three years. The function have my job never truly changes. Different stories and different people but always the same paperwork. The only entertainment that the position provides is the people who come through my door. These are their stories.