An Idiots Guide to: Understanding Financial Aid Students

In the three years that I have been working in financial aide, I have grown accustomed to sifting through vague generalizations, slight hints and at times, full on bullshit. Full disclosure, I do work in the shadier part of town, and it does tend to skew the results.  Allow me to demonstrate:


"How do I get a Pell Grant?"

Translation: I don't really have an interest in education, but I do like free money. So gimme gimme.

"I tried to log in last night and fill out the forms  but I got stuck. Do you think you can help me?"

Translation: I was lazy and didn't feel like doing it. Can you do it for me?

"I haven't been able to work the last few years"

Translation: I have been in prison for the last few years and the IRS does not consider cigarettes as taxable income.

"I haven't filed taxes the last few years."

Translation: I am a drug dealer and have elected not to report my income.

"When does my leftover money get to me? I've got like, books and things I need to buy."

Translation: It's seriously not here yet? I've been waiting for weeks to get a new phone.

"I am having an issue with my instructor."

Translation: I am failing and in no possible way is it my fault. 

"My instructor is being unreasonable."

Translation: My paper was due Monday but I turned it in on Wednesday. The "no late paper's" policy she outlined weeks ago in the syllabus is completely unreasonable.