Oh boy

A student walked into my office today, and I had a hunch he was going to provide some golden material. Clutching a roller bag and Amp Energy drink, he wasn't unlike most other students but he just had that look in his eye. :

Student: Yes, I had some questions regarding what I can spend my financial aid on.

Me: Okay.

Student: (Silence for about 20 seconds)

Me: Go ahead.

Student: Yes...Am I allowed to buy people lunch?

Me: Well, funds are generally used for school related costs, but I doubt the Dept. Of Education would have an issue with you buying lunch.

Student: Ok, because sometimes I go to lunch with my brother, and he doesn't have money so I buy him lunch.

Me: Like I said, they won't make a stink about you buying him lunch.

Student: Ok, well sometimes I buy books.

Me: Text books are okay.

Student: Well these books are just for fun.

Me: Thats okay too, as long as you are being responsible with it they won't come after you.

Student: So I can't buy pot with it?

Me: ...

Ok now imagine that entire conversation, with the guy sounding like Red Shirt Guy from that WOW video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwyMB19q7ms).

On one of our financial aid forms, there is a line for the student to fill in their "Estimate Graduation Date." Few students know specifically when the plan on graduating so we just ask them to write a year. My standard advice for students is to "write a year that is two or three years down the road, because it usually takes that long to finish a degree."

Today I told a student to write a year that he plans to complete is degree. He literally wrote the word "year."

Sigh...

What's in a Name

A few years back, an email came across my desk about a friend of a friend in my office that had a student named Le-a. Not pronounced Lay-uh or Lee-Uh but Ledasha (turns out it was a goof email that was making the rounds on the internet). Fast forward three years, and although no names has reached Ledashian levels, they still continue to amaze.

In what will be a recurring topic, these will be real names that come into my office. I will only be able to post first names because of privacy laws and I will also omit people whose names appear to be derived from foreign languages (Xiu may look weird to me but it might be the Chinese equivalent to Bill) Other than that, these are the exact spelling and punctuation used in students names.

So here we go...

Porschea

Shauntecka

Concepcion

Raevn

Demontrion

Johnteria

Dwaun

Kei"ara

She"kela

The irony of the last two names is that both came into my office maybe an hour apart and up until that point I had never seen a single word with double apostrophes, let alone someones name. Makes me wonder what they are hiding to require the extra punctuation.

Me: "...Okay, I need a photo ID from you to pull up your file."

Student: "I don't have a photo ID with me just my drivers license. Would that work?"

Me: ...

What frustrates me most is that this conversation happens 5-10 times a week. I have tried to think of a way to make "I need a photo ID" easier to understand but the results were nothing but a series of caveman like grunts and gestures.

According to my in-depth research (someone notify the people and Merriam-Webster that the definition of "in-depth" needs to be edited to include, "glancing over a wikipedia page a second time"), I learned that Alexander Bell was given the first patent for the telephone in 1876, which makes the handy device 135 years old. I find it difficult to believe that there are people in modern world who do not understand what the purpose and functionality of a phone are. Today, a man came into my office and provided the follow discussion:

Student: I can't log in because I can't remember my password.

Me: Okay, you will need to call tech support and have them reset your password.

Student: Okay call them and they will reset it?

Me: Correct.

Student: You mean I gotta use the phone?

Me: ...

And...here...we...go...

Just past 8 o clock and we already have a our first contestant. I am sitting at my desk, the lights are on and doors unlocked. First student walks in and her first words are, "Are you guys open?"

Why Must I Repeat Myself?

Me: The reason you were not eligible for loans is because you have reached your Level 1 Loan Limits.

Student: How many hours does it take to be a level 2?

Me: 30 credit hours.

Student: Well I have 29 credits.

Me: Ok but you have to have 30 credits for Level 2 funding.

Student: Well is there anyway I can get it at 29?

Me: No. You must have 30.

Student: So there's nothing I can do at 29?

Me: ...

Financial Aid

By most standards, I have a rather mundane job. My business card tells me that I am a Senior Financial Aid Assistant. I am not sure that my position necessitates them but I won't complain; they are free, and give the appearance that I know what I am doing. I have been working in financial aid for going on three years. The function have my job never truly changes. Different stories and different people but always the same paperwork. The only entertainment that the position provides is the people who come through my door. These are their stories.